zones

last month was depressing. I kept wondering whether I passed the prerequisite course. I got the highest grade for my first paper (the prof downgrade it because I didn’t use a proofreader. Humph!), but I got ambitious and tried a new, unfamiliar, method for my second paper and I didn’t know if I delivered. Then came the exam. Arrgghh…. It was easy really but I got panicked (as usual) and although I was sure that I nailed the second question, I think I could do better for the first. So I spent last month preparing for the worst news possible.

That lead to questions that kept popping on my head: am I cut out for this? Is this really MY path? Am I doing it for the right reason? Not out of spite, out of the need to prove something, to kick someone on his arse? I prayed and prayed and prayed. not passing would be devastating because I started to feel at home, figured out my schedule, juggling home chores and study. I started to get the hang of reading so many articles and quick to point out what I need and put pieces together.

Last week, I met my supervisor and thank god he said that I passed. Well, it was not official but anyway….. PHEW!!!! (although some said that it is so risky to have a head of department as your supervisor, on this subject, glad that I do).
So now, I can go home and told that chauvinistic dinosaur: look at this ME surviving! HA!

Another thing.
I know that I’ve waaaay out of my comfort zone and bursting all safety bubbles imaginable. Doing my second paper, I realized that I was also trying new waters in the academic department. Being taught science and engineering, it is quite something to look at things from totally different point of view. To look into details (I just love details!!!) and not to justify everything with numbers. It feels great (hence, more worry if didn’t pass because am starting to enjoy it).

I also realized how all these years, I always stayed in the same circle of people. Well, not literally the same people, but those with the same certain of educational level. I know all kinds of people through work, but I still work in my old campus, so not really different, eh? But here…… totally different settings. When I told them what I’m doing here, I got a certain ‘that’s heavy stuff’ look and I think I’m the only one doing that in this circle. Not being chatty and outgoing with new people, being misunderstood as snobby and pretentious is not new for me (although I might be those at heart. Hohoho….). so, I’ve been here for more than 4 months but I haven’t got any new friends.
Oh well, guess am prepared for that because everybody who’ve gone through this journey warn me that this is going to be long and lonely.

Anyway, I can’t wait till next week to see my family and friends back home.
Bubulibu, onti’ll be back soon!!!!!