Respect

Respect is earned.

Beberapa hari ini kata-kata itu seperti bergentayangan di benak saya. Rasa hormat terhadap seseorang itu memang harus di ‘earn’ (apa ya bahasa indonesia yang tepat?). tidak jatuh dari langit, diturunkan melalui gen, diwariskan dari orang tua dan kerabat, bertambah sesuai dengan usia, dihadiahkan, atau dibuatkan SK-nya. One have to do things worth respected for by other people. Jadi kuncinya adalah: orang lain yang akan memberikannya kepada kita dan pemberian itu akan didasari oleh hal-hal yang dianggap ‘terhormat’ oleh orang lain.

Kita tidak bisa mengklaim bahwa kita layak dihormati apabila kita tidak membuktikannya dengan melakukan hal-hal dianggap terhormat oleh orang lain. Jangan karena merasa diri sudah banyak pengalaman lalu merasa orang lain harus minta pendapat ini itu. Atau merasa sudah memberikan kontribusi yang sungguh besar kepada kehidupan berbangsa dan bernegara lalu merasa pantas untuk dijilat-jilat pantat kisutnya. Dan lain sebagainya.

Lucunya, orang-orang yang merasa dirinya pantas dihormati ini biasanya sungguh tidak pantas untuk itu. Biasanya mereka justru melakukan hal-hal yang bodoh tetapi merasa telah berjasa dan berkontribusi terhadap kesuksesan orang lain. Ada juga yang memang dari kecil sudah biasa dihormati, merasakan kesusksesan dalam karir tapi tidak menyadari bahwa waktunya sudah lewat. Terlalu lama diangkat, sudah lupa bagaimana caranya benar-benar melakukan sesuatu yang layak diacungi jempol.

Sebetulnya orang-orang seperti itu patut dikasihani. Pathetic (menyedihkan?) sekali melihat mereka berkoar sana-sini minta dihormati. Jika si minta dihormat ini masih berkuasa, biasanya orang lain menunjukkan sikap hormat di depan mereka tetapi di belakang hanya bisa mengurut dada. Atau tertawa, frustasi harus bersandiwara, menertawakan kebodohan dirinya yang masih kroco ini sehingga terpaksa memberi hormat walaupun tidak sesuai dengan hati nurani yang terdalam. Hehehe…..

Semoga saya tidak jadi orang yang merasa dirinya patut dihormati. Amin.

Every cloud has a silver lining

I have passed a stormy Friday, I’m done talking about the storm, lets just focus on the silver lining.

First of all, I’ve found my courage. I know that I have to stand for what I want and take all the risks related with it. I want the nothing-to-loose attitude but am so afraid to get out of my comfort zone. Thanks to the impulsive act of anger done by a cowardly royalty, I finally took my place and told myself that I’ve had enough of all this crap.

I felt so relieved, free of the invisible prison that I didn’t even know exist. I can breathe easier, knowing that now I have the guts to jump ship. I felt excited that now I can pursue whatever I want, be whatever I can be.

I am surprised and really grateful that I’ve found support everywhere. Beneath the peace and quiet atmosphere, there lies all the seething and grinding dissatisfaction towards everything wrong.
It seems that hope is not all lost.

But am gotta sing this to you, you spoiled old fart:

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I got to find my own - my own

(Listen-Beyonce)

The thunder thief

The long holiday is over. My paper is overdue and I have to start writing again. In very formal, scientifically believable english. As usual, am trying to fish out any ideas by distraction: writing about completely incoherent topic :p

I’ve been listing the pros and cons of staying in my bubble. Starting to gather up courage to burst it, venturing other terrain, embarking on new adventures, whatever.
Am going shopping for alternatives and last night I made a teensy weensy step out of my box to attend a campaign dinner. of course I made sure that some of my colleagues will be there and drag chubbs along for the ride. The function itself was okay, I didn’t expect much anyway.

Then came the get-to-know-the-candidate session.
gosh… its been soooooo bloody loooong since I listened to such bollocks. no, am not talking about the candidate. She was okay, down to earth, not making any hard to keep promises and or some sort of lip services. It’s the people who tried to get to know her better. People who tried to be the center of attention, the thunder thiefs.

I remembered the first year of my undergrad in this old-rigid-establishment. I was fascinated by those students who hung out on the specific part of the student centre, talking about socialism, marxism and whatnot. Those rebels with a cause. They looked so smart and wise, caring for the little people the corrupt government neglect for the sake of making their cronies rich. Then I went home, ready to show what I’ve heard there to my dad and big bro. and within a discussion, they showed me what was wrong with those utopian thoughts, how they are not going to work by simple logic. Of course it was unfair since they have read, discuss and argue about various concepts about it, but the important thing is that they taught me that reading those books would not be complete without reading other school of thoughts.

Some of the thunder thiefs are really smart and wise, but they usually did not talk that much and they were actually capable of really stealing thunders. Those were the inspiring kinds, who really know what they were talking about and ready to share what they know for the sake of spreading knowledge. Kudos for them.

Some others are crappy opportunists and future politicians who shamelessly abandon their duties to attend classes and taking part in groupwork for the sake of helping those little people who paid tax that is used to partially pay for the activists higher education in this rigidly old but prestigious institution. Am not making a generalization of those lot, but I happened to know some people who belonged to this segment and share the same characteristics. They usually use big words, talking about stellar ideas of how this world must be run and how you can contribute. Some of them are very persuasive, some are just snotty and snobby: oh am such an activist I consider taking a bath a luxury or am such an activist I don’t have time to do my homework or sit together to discuss such an unimportant things like the report that OUR group suppose to submit.
I sooo hate the word ‘perjuangan’ and ‘aku’ they used so often. And the level of insicerity when they try to befriend people is just so obvious. They popped in and out of the class, never bother to stay and chat with you the whole semester and then BAM! ….. act like you are their bestest of friends during the campaign season.

I became immune to those people and last night, I could not help but giggle to realize that they still exist, along with the big bollocks, trying to steal the candidate’s thunder.
Life is so interesting!!!

jadi mamah & di OS

Waaah hebat kali hari ini: satu hari 2 posts. Memang udah suasana liburan, pikiran ga bisa diajak kompromi. Sudah kebayang minggu depan mau ngapain (aside from obligatory social responsibilities yah. Huhuhu….)

Semalam baru dapet pencerahan: jadi mamah si neng gudut kadang-kadang serasa lagi di OS. Itu loh, orientasi studi jaman yang harus dilalui wakti masih polos dan bego, mau aja dimarahin ga jelas sama kakak angkatan.
Samanya adalah: sama-sama menyebalkan saat dijalanin, tapi kalo diinget-inget pengalaman itu bodor banget.

Salah satu pengalaman OS yg tak terlupakan yaitu tidur sambil berdiri terus disangka pingsan. Hehehe….. acaranya jurit malam, peserta dipanggil satu per satu untuk menempuh rute jalan setapak di secuplik hutan. Nah, saya dipanggil di akhir-akhir. Harus tunggu, berdiri, di tengah hujan, dingin, basah, capek, lapar, ngantuk…. Entah gimana akhirnya ketiduran dan roboh dengan sukses. Heboh deh, disangka pingsan. I didn’t say I slept-standing dong…. Hahahaha….. tapi lucu aja kalo diinget kebodohan & kekonyolan waktu OS.

Nah semalam rasanya kaya di OS lagi. Tadi malem entah kenapa kok ngantuk banget, mata gak bisa dibuka sama sekali. Akhirnya baring2 di sofa, tidur. Gak berapa lama datanglah si neng gudut, smacking my face, hungry for attention. I was so tired and annoyed that I left her crying angrily. Off I went to other bedroom nearby to catch my sleep. Eehhh tak berapa lama, masuklah si anak iseng yang cantik (still neng gudut). This time, she found that she could still be with her sleeping mum, playing. Lalu bermainlah anakku yang pintar tapi bandel ini dengan cara memanjat mamahnya bagai halang rintang di taman bermain.

Panjat sampai ke puncak (perut si mamah yang gendut)
Sit on it
Ride it like a horse
Went to the other side
Panjat lagi
Ooohhhh indahnya dunia, mungkin begitu pikiran si anak gendut yg lincah (anakkyu!!)

Tapi ceritanya belum berhenti di sini.

Mendengar keriaan neng gudut, si aa bubulibu pun tertarik untuk bergabung. There he went, joining the party by adding new task to the ever happy adventure of neng gudut: jumping on the bed!!!
Arrrgghhhh…….

So the itinerary of neng gudut and bubulibu was this:
Shouting, laughing and jumping on the bed (both)
Climbing to my stomach and ride it (neng gudut)
Falling backwards on my stomach (bubulibu)
Went to the other side of the bed (both)
Start again from shouting.

It was really annoying but I know that there’s nothing I can do but occassionally opened my eyes to prevent those cute but crazy little monkey fell down and bump her/his head.

See, just like OS: nyebelin, tapi kalo diinget lucu juga. Kalo disuruh ngulang? OGAH!!!!

pic from: www.emlibrary.com

blog and writing

Ah joy. Its already 1 o’clock and tomorrow is a half working day. Can not wait for the upcoming looonggg holiday. This is definitely one of those reasons why despite the whining, the horrible big honchos, the rigidity, the silliness and whatnot, am still staying here.

This blog has become the ranting place that maybe I should change it from hum… to rant@#$&^**^@##!!!!!

Am also aware that I use analogies for posts regarding work. Well one can not be more careful. One can’t be too paranoid in the virtual world. Who knows who will read and use it against me. Nyeh.
I read my previous posts in bahasa indonesia and notice that I sound so bloody pretentious if writing in bahasa indonesia. At first I used this blog to exercise my writing skill, but my line of work these days is writing. in english. In formal, academic, journal style english. It was so exhausting, especially because I have to think twice hard to find the correct vocabulary. That’s why I used bahasa indonesia for the several posts. now I guess I have to start using english again since I’ve abandoned my paper for almost two weeks now. ;p

Which comes to the topic of writing.
I think the hardest part of my job is writing. if broken down into the most basic skills, my job consists of lots and lots and lots and lots of reading, then daydreaming and then writing the result of my daydream. These written evidence that I can think is used to prove that my daydreaming is based on sound judgments, not illogical mumbo-jumbo or irrational highs. convincing my younger clients is easy, convicing the gurus? Nyaaahhh……. I don’t mind the reading (fyi, reading a textbook after lots of journal articles sure makes you feel really smart because you suddenly understand what the book is all about. Hehehe….), but connecting dots and writing them down is YUCK!
I can tell you that artists are not the only one who suffers for their art.

Match made in hell

Saya adalah bagian dari ‘klan’ berdarah biru dengan sejarah dan tradisi panjang yang sungguh sakral. Beberapa tahun yang lalu, ‘keluarga kecil’ saya memberontak, ingin lebih egaliter dan demokratis. Memberikan nafas baru untuk keluarga besar yang sudah terlalu silau dengan kebesarannya, terlalu lama disembah-sembah sehingga tidak sadar bahwa lingkungannya sudah berubah. Keluarga kami punya pandangan yang berbeda: kami sadar bahwa selama ini klan kami hidup dari nama besar saja tetapi sebetulnya hidup dari derma. Keluarga kami ingin cari uang karena untuk apa nama besar tapi menggerogoti pembayar pajak dan tidak bisa membantu orang lain, membuat keadaan lebih baik. Klan saya tentu saja marah besar. Kami dianggap keluarga durhaka dan mata duitan walaupun lingkungan kami menerima pemberontakan ini dan mendukungnya.

Lalu datanglah tawaran dari ‘klan’ lain, klan pengusaha kaya yang tengah membuat tradisi baru. Klan ini menawarkan ‘ikatan pernikahan’ untuk membantu tujuan keluarga kami. Membangun klan baru yang lengkap, kami punya darah biru dan mereka punya uang. Bersatu, kita bisa menuju yang lebih baik. Suatu tujuan yang mulia. mimpi yang begitu indah.

Untuk menggapai impian itu, saya harus menikah (lagi). Segera. Klan pengusaha ini akan membayari biaya pernikahannya dan memastikan bahwa saya akan aman, sehat walafiat sampai saya bisa memberikan ‘cucu’. Di lingkungan kami, tingkat keningratan suatu klan dapat dilihat dari jumlah ‘cucu’nya. Makin banyak, makin ‘ningrat’.

Lalu saya dan saudara-saudara saya disuruh segera mencari jodoh. Tetapi, kami tidak bisa bebas, kami harus mendapatkan jodoh hanya dari satu daerah saja, karena biaya pernikahan di sana murah. Kami sempat menawar, bagaimana jika kami ingin ke daerah lain? Sisa biayanya biar kami usahakan sendiri saja.
‘tidak bisa. Nanti konsentrasi kalian terpecah karena harus cari uang. Kami tidak mau ambil resiko kalian tidak bisa bikin cucu.’ Begitu kata perwakilan klan pengusaha tersebut.
kami juga disuruh membuat rencana biaya pernikahan dan biaya hidup hingga kami bisa hidup tenang dan konsentrasi produksi cucu. Biaya ini memungkinkan untuk membawa bedinde kami yang sudah bagaikan belahan jiwa.

Waktu berlalu, pinangan kami mulai diterima dan kami siap menikah. Tentu saja kami berasumsi bahwa usulan biaya kami diterima dan kehidupan yang tenang dan damai sudah di depan mata. Kemudian tiba lah berita itu: biaya pernikahan dan biaya hidup harus dikurangi karena dianggap terlalu besar. mungkin kami dianggap anak-anak ningrat yang manja, semua bedinde ingin dibawa serta. Selain itu, tenggat waktu produksi cucu pun dipersingkat.

Loh bagaimana ini? Kenapa tidak dari dulu saja dibilang ‘TIDAK TIDAK TIDAK’. Kenapa tidak dari dulu saja disebutkan bahwa klan mereka hanya punya dana sekian sehingga kami bisa atur. Sungguh menyebalkan setelah saya dan saudara-saudara saya disuruh membuat anggaran tanpa batas. setelah kami dirongrong untuk segera cari jodoh macam cari jodoh itu seperti cari pelacur murahan di pinggir jalan, diberi iming-iming uang lalu langsung dapat.

Saya rasa, klan pengusaha itu tidak mengerti proses mencari jodoh dan menyelenggarakan pernikahan. Kelasnya baru sunatan saja yang lebih sederhana: tinggal cari dukun sunat, potong, jadilah. Padahal untuk pernikahan prosesnya lebih berbelit-belit.

Sungguh mengecewakan. Setelah beberapa kali berhubungan dengan klan itu, persepsi saya berubah. Kadang saya merasa diperlakukan seperti pengemis, sepertinya saya dan saudara-saudara saya ini anak-anak ningrat manja yang hanya ingin bersenang-senang dengan biaya dari klan pengusaha itu. Sepertinya kami ini hanya membebani mereka saja, persatuan kedua keluarga ini tidak lagi atas kesetaraan. Sepertinya mereka berpikir bahwa persatuan ini tidak memberikan keuntungan yang sesuai dan mereka hanya sapi perah bagi keluarga kami saja. Belum lagi gosip bahwa klan ini sudah mulai main mata dengan klan ningrat yang lain.

Saya jadi ingat, berbulan-bulan lalu keluarga kami berkumpul dengan klan pengusaha itu. Mereka datang untuk berkenalan dan menekankan bahwa komitmen mereka sungguh mantap, bahwa keluarga kami tidak perlu curiga ada maksud tersembunyi di balik pertalian kedua keluarga ini. Sekarang terbukalah mata saya.

ngh

Aaargh… need coffee. Can not concentrate on anything am supposed to be doing. The classification is dangling right there on the corner of my supposedly working brain but it can not transform its words into my finger. Just lurking aroung like a heffalump sneaking on pooh’s honey, swiper tiptoeing towards dora and boots’s things.

Too much of the kids entertainment.

Tired. Am bloody tired of this journey but have no courage to stop.

menikah (lagi)

Semenjak awal tahun ini rasaya saya seperti perawan tua yang dikejar-kejar orang tuanya untuk menikah. Usia, baik biologis maupun psikologis, dianggap sudah sangat mencukupi tetapi kok ya tidak menikah juga sementara orang tua sudah tidak sabar menimang cucu sebagai tanda bakti sang perawan terhadap orang tuanya. Biaya pun sudah disediakan. Pokoknya tinggal mencari calon pasangan saja deh.

Ini dia masalahnya.
Cari pasangan itu tidak mudah, jendral. Bagi saya, rasanya lebih sulit daripada mendapatkan si belahan jiwa yang setia menjadi tumpuan keluh kesah saya selama ini. Walaupun sudah luluran, krimbat, facial dan nungging di sekolah kepribadian, toh belum juga dapat pasangan. Ditolaaakk terus…. Alasannya macam-macam.
Ada yang sombongnya bukan main: maaf ya, kamu gak selevel sama saya. Cih!
Ada yang biasa saja: wah saya sedang tidak cari pasangan, coba lagi tahun depan ya, siapa tahu saya sudah siap.
Ada juga yang baik hati: saya sudah punya pasangan, tapi coba hubungi si anu. Sepertinya dia akan cocok denganmu. Coba dekati dia pakai cara ini deh.

Apa pun alasannya, setiap penolakan mengakibatkan keguncangan jiwa, ganggguan emosional dan terutama hilangnya kepercayaan diri yang semakin lama makin terpuruk tergeletak di dasar sumur kelam bersama tokoh anak kecil rambut panjang menyeramkan di film horror jepang yang dibikin ulang di amerika itu loh (jaka sembung bawa golok!!!).

Orang tua pun bertanya-tanya, kok belum dapat juga? Apa masalahnya? Sementara batas waktu sudah di depan mata. Pemberi dana sudah mengancam: kalau tidak dapat pasangan, uangnya mau dipakai untuk yang lain saja.
Lah, kalau belum jodoh saya bisa apa? Belum ada yang cocok. Sudah dari jaman kapan saya ingin mandiri kok, ingin memulai petualangan baru, cari suasana yang mungkin lebih enak daripada dimarahi terus di rumah. Walaupun pasang muka tenang, tapi hati ini kebat kebit tiada tara. Walau tidak merasa tertekan kok ya badan jadi manja, sedikit-sedikit virus datang berkunjung bikin tenggorokan sakit dan hidung beringus.
Halah…. dorama!

Ya sudah. Sekarang saya cuma bisa menunggu nasib: menikah (lagi) atau mungkin jadi anak durhaka saja sekalian. Huhuhuhu……

Susah bener cari sekola.

brahmana nyangkul

Cerita dimulai minggu lalu, kala para pengelola kota biasa berkumpul untuk membicarakan hal-hal yang perlu diurus di kota yang, hm….. bagaimana ya? dulu sih dibangun dengan penuh cita-cita nan tinggi dan mulia. Sekarang? Yah, begitulah.

Perlu diketahui, walaupun salah satu dari cita-cita nan indah yang diimpikan tersebut adalah membangun kota yang demokratis dan egaliter (wah, bahasa apa pula ini?), tetapi kenyataannya sangatlah sulit untuk melepaskan diri dari pengaruh sang pemingpin yang sangat feodal. Lucunya, yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu merasa dirinya seorang bapak-penuh-kasih-sayang-dan-perhatian-yang-sangat-egaliter-nan-bijak-laksana. Jadi, pada kenyatannya, kota ini adalah sebuah kerajaan kecil dengan berbagai kasta. tapi ingat ya, kasta-kasta di kota ini pada dasarnya seperti perbedaan kelas di inggeris raia. Seperti hantu, tidak ada tetapi ada.

Nah, minggu lalu, rupanya yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu merasa terjadi ketidak-harmonisan dalam kota. jatah beras untuk kasta sudra sepertinya terlalu banyak jika dibandingkan dengan gerabah yang dibuat, “kasta sudra jadi pemalas dan gemuk-berlemak karena terlalu banyak makan nasi!!!! Lihat, produksi gerabahnya Cuma sekian. Yu iting-iting blaind payment!!!” ujar yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu sambil membaca sepotong gulungan catatan yang diberikan oleh yang-mulia-kesatria-urusan-ini-itu. Masalahnya, gulungan itu hanya mencatat urusan gerabah saja, urusan membuat gentong dan kendi tidak dihitung. Belum lagi, terkadang para kesatria (yang belum dimuliakan ya….) memberikan tugas juga kepada sudra dan ini tentu saja tidak ada dalam sistem pencatatan yang-mulia-kesatria-ini-itu.

Keesokan harinya, kasta sudra dan hampir-sudra dikumpulkan oleh yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu untuk diberi berkah-dan-petuah agar supaya dapat meningkatkan produksi gerabahnya dan tidak hanya iting-iting saja kerjanya.

Sebetulnya, permasalahan ini sudah dibahas oleh kesatria-kesatria yang tugasnya mengatur pekerjaan para sudra. Tapi sepertinya yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu tidak mengerti penjelasannya dan tetap pada pendiriannya. Lagipula, mana bisa yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu salah ya?

Ah, sungguh yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu terlihat seperti yang-dipertuan-agung-koboi-tolol-dari-negeri-seberang yang kerjanya tembak sana-tembak sini tak tentu arah.

Karena tak habis pikir, beberapa sudra berbicara dengan penduduk kota lain yang walaupun rada sableng tetapi sebetulnya bijak-laksana. Menurut beliau, terjadi ketidak-konsistenan antara persepsi diri dengan kenyataan. Atau bahasa dungdatnya: kenyataan tidak sesuai dengan harapan. Sebagai kasta tertinggi, Brahmana yang tinggal di nirwana, dewa yang harusnya disembah-sembah, yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu ternyata masih harus sering turun ke bumi untuk mencangkul. Tanahnya keras lagi, milik brahmana yang gadanya lebih gede. Jadi pemerintahan kota (ah salah, menurut yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu kota ini adalah kerajaan kecil hak milik beliau) dicampuri sang brahmana-gada-gede. Menurut penduduk-kota-sebelah-yang-sableng-nan-bijak-laksana, hal ini sungguh mengganggu ketentraman jiwa yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu sehingga beliau maunya marah-marah melulu, ingin kakinya lebih sering dijilat karena dirasa terlalu banyak tanah kotor yang menempel.
Sudah brahmana kok nyangkul????
Ah jiwa yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu remuk redam rasanya.

Suatu penjelasan yang cukup logis walaupun tetap saja tidak menghilangkan pandangan bahwa yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu sebetulnya hanya seorang sheriff-tua-tukang-tembak-sana-sini.

Jadi apabila yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu mulai memuntahkan petuah, berkah dan lain lain, mohon dimaklumi saja.
Kasihan, brahmana kok masih nyangkul.

(terima kasih kepada penduduk-kota-sebelah-sableng-nan-bijak-laksana untuk memperkenalkan teori ini kepada sudra-tukang-ngomel yang baru mendapat berkah dari yang-mulia-kanjeng-gusti-prabu)

missing you

oh bubulibu, how i miss you so!

i miss talking to you, listen to your nonsense and neverending questions
your shriek of excitement, your laugh, your silly dance, your grin,
you making all the possible noises until everyone told you that 'you're too loud!!!',
circling around the living room with your bicycle,
squabbling with babygirl over a favorite place in front of the tv,
watching certain film over and over and over and over and over and over again,
singing, um.... shouting to be exact, your favorite songs,
pretending to be a ticket booth while you passes by,
hugging you while you wriggle out of my arms,
asking you to kiss me goodnight,
you bursting into my room asking: 'onti lagi apaaaaa....???',
you being aa to babygirl,
you and babygirl bothering each other,
going out with you on weekends,
bathing you and babygirl,
watching those rare moments when you and babygirl play peacefully,

oh bubulibu, hurry, hurry home!!!!
we miss you so so much!!!!!!

fed up

Am fed up with all this research proposal writing. am fed up of not knowing what to write, of feeling lost, of my incompetence and of my stupidity. Am beginning to doubt my capability.
How can anyone write so effortlessly? Seeing things clearly? Connecting dots and elaborate them like its all there in their mind all along?
Write anything they said, its halfway there.
But anything that comes out is crap. Totally incoherent pretentious meaningless words. If this describes what’s on your mind, then maybe am not up to this. Maybe this is not my way.
But am not ready to give up yet. I don’t want to quit this fight. Am stubbornly cling to the idea of getting out of my comfort zone, to challenge myself and keep evolving to be the better self. Or maybe am in denial. Do I have to go through this development? This is not the only way, right? Right? I can be something else and still growing.
But something else could mean failure. Something else could mean starting all over again from scratch. and the energy of starting over. The uncertainties.
The initial step is always the hardest, remember.
Nothing’s started and am already feeling like giving up.
Argh.

Saya bosan menulis dalam bahasa inggeris. Bosan membaca jurnal. Bosan berpikir yang berat-berat yang saya tidak mengerti nanti ujungnya ke mana. Saya ingin dapat membaca buku cerita dengan tenang, tanpa rasa bersalah yang menghantui saya, yang mengintip di belakang setiap kata-kata cerdas yang saya baca di buku tersebut: ‘seharusnya saya membaca jurnal, seharusnya saya membaca buku teks, seharusnya saya menulis, seharusnya saya belajar’

Saya bosan dengan keadaan saya yang sekarang. Saya sudah siap dengan petualangan yang baru, yang sudah saya idamkan semenjak saya menetapkan hati untuk tinggal di kapal ini. Ingat, jika memang ini jalan yang saya pilih, maka caranya memang tidak mudah. Lagipula, sejak dulu saya tidak pernah mendapatkan sesuatu dengan mudah (regardless of what other people say how easy my life is. IT IS SO NOT!!!), dan saya tidak pernah mengeluh ataupun menyesali nasib saya. Jadi seharusnya saya bisa kuat kan?

spoiled brats

Spoiled brats, especially the old ones, are annoying.
What should you do when this old, old brat asked you to cook you something but not knowing exactly what s/he wanted.
The brat just said: i’m hungry. Could you cook me something.
You said: this is what i can do. What do you want?
The brat: i think i want egg. Fried.
You: sunny side up or scrambled or omelette?
The brat: you got the degree. you figure it out.
You: uh. Ohkay.

Then you cooked the egg. Cooking eggs is something new for you. Sure, you’ve cooked some, but this type of egg is something you have never cooked before. So you learn, you tried to figure out what s/he wanted with the egg, you tried several methods and got no complain from the brat. Then one day the brat went to the kitchen and saw all the work. Just from observing, not really putting him/herself to the position, the brat said that you’ve been cooking them wrong and wondered what you’ve been doing all this time. Then the brat said that you just so lazy and spoiled and want so many things you just don’t deserve because you have not given your best to the establishment. The same old brat who never went to the kitchen, handled these special eggs, and never bother to tell you how the fried egg tasted like.

If it is young brat, you can easily spank him/her.
You can only silently grind your teeth to this old, feudalistic, out of this world brat and hoping that you can be out of the establishment ASAP.

The List

About a year a go, I wrote a to do list on a post-it and stuck it on the bottom side of my computer screen so I will be constantly reminded, despite all pouring tasks, to pursue what I think I have to in order to achieve my goals.

Zillion years later (it felt that long), when I noticed that the ink has started to fade, I also realized that out of 6 items:
Passed one with very good result,
Sadly failed to get this item, but,
That freed me from the obligation to take this,
And although I failed number 2, the big honchos offered me another which included expenses for chubbs & baby (and becoming kiwis/hobbits ;p)

So, down four.

By finishing this item (which am doing right now), am also recharging myself and this bloody frozen thing called my brain.
Which surely helps a lot leveraging my confidence in accomplishing task number 6.

HA!

The Relationship

It all started as friendship. You knew him through other acquaintance, you started to be friends then you got closer and became more than that (though you did not know exactly what). He was the one that took all the initiative, made decisions and demands etc. Then it became more intense. More expectations are to be met from each other. He started to give ideas of being together in the long run, more serious, more commitment. You tried to figure out what you want from this relationship. You wanted to know if this will be your future. If together is one possibility to be considered.

Time went by, he became more famous, some contributed to your hard work and sacrifices. Yet you just look from afar while he got all the glory, pats on his back and all. The relationship was progressing and as was the old days, demands were increasing along with it. He started to promise sweet things and you became more certain that you wanted to be with him.

But the more you knew him, the more uncertain you were about his intentions. Sometimes he seemed like he could not live without you, but the next day he treated you like you were some sort of gadget that he could replaced whenever the latest innovation was on the market. His demand was simple: do some make over. ‘Let me see you prettier, smarter, more presentable’ he said. However, he wanted this on his terms although you knew that your choices will be better in the long run. He wanted you to make extra time to go to the gym while you think that reading will do you better. And even when you finally agreed, he said he could not spend extra money for make over!!! Moreover, he wanted all the upgrading done without leaving any of your previous responsibilities, which means you have to work extra for this.

It was like he was not sure whether he wanted to be with you or not, although after all these years there was nothing wrong with your relationship. He looked like he was ready to commit, but then afraid if something better would come along and he regrets his choice. His gestures, his manners showed that you were expendable. But then again, sometimes he looked like he was sure that together will bring out the best in him and you.

So you decided to run away. You silently build a plan to make your own make over. You quietly grind your teeth and make all the preparation yourself, spend your savings and repeatedly reassure yourself that this was for your own good, that all spent was for investment. You said to yourself, when the time come, dahling…… you can kiss my arse!!!!!

Disclaimer: this is an analogy.

The Cake

The big chief of the hotel you’ve been working for asked you to be a cook. You don’t like cooking, your background is not culinary school, some people even said that you are overqualified to be one. The management said that this was just temporary, that you are projected to be the concierge who directly deals with the customers. Being the cook itself is not a bad thing, it is just that you are trained to be concierge, you envision yourself to be one, and your career path should lead you to become one. On the other hand, the cooking job is the sidejob that you ought to do besides all the things you must prepare to become the concierge. So, in a way, it is a challenge to prove yourself that you can do both.

Anyways, you went to the kitchen and become the sous chef. The chef itself is very nice and understanding. However, those cakes that we make tasted bitter to some of the customers. The good ones like them, but the bad ones doubt that we are making the cakes right. As time went by, you officially became a concierge, the management kept increasing your workload and you started to have to make some priority. Being a sidejob and supposed to be temporary, you push the cooking thing to be your last priority. A minimal effort, just to stay afloat.

With all that, you sometimes want to scream when people complained about the cake. You want to tell them that you don’t like to bake cakes, you are not supposed to bake them, that baking cakes takes a lot of your valuable time to do your tasks as a concierge and develop your ability to be a good one, that it robbed your mind from thinking concierge-ly.

But then again, all you do is politely answer them and explain how you bake the bloody cake and note their criticism in your mind and wish you are banished from the kitchen.

Sodding cakes. sodding management.

In retrospect

This old syndrom of procrastinating has gone beserk. Am supposed to write the report. Successfully forced myself to wake up in the middle of the night to do it for this past week, and all I’ve got is racoon eyes and lack of sleep (plus a couple of paragraph). It is so frustrating.

Anyhoo.

Late as it is, I think last year was a more than okay. I’ve got a promotion with substansial raise in the middle of last year. Although I did not get the scholarship, I finally managed to get really serious about continuing my study and took significant step to start it as opposed to just planning about it.

And tough as it was, I’ve grown a lot this year. If there were several coming of ages in one’s life, last year was definitely one of them.
And of course, living with baby was, and is, superb superb superb.

I don’t want my life to be perfect nor always saccharine sweet. The ups and downs that makes it adventurous and interesting and make me realized that am so blessed.