Monster

It is one thing to think of and to feel hatred toward someone.

It is another thing to make it explicit.

These monstrosity suddenly took a shape. Took form. Reified.

Looking at it, I am exposed to my own hypocrisy and intolerance. Hideous-horrid-nasty self.

I am reminded that I am no better than the person I despise.

Then I try to justify these feelings to make me feel better about myself.

I want to know what it is that make this person so horrible.

Why do I have a bad perception about everything and anything that this person is doing. Why everything this person does is just so wrong.

Reviewed the previous post.

There are certain limits of my tolerance.

I don’t really care about this person’s values, interests and whatnots as long as they don’t bother me and my loved ones. They can do whatever as long as they don’t force me and my loved ones to do the same.

What enraged me is that these people shoved down their senseless-superficiality down our throats. Their ignorance makes me want to shoved these banalities up their asses.

These attitudes of us-serving-them is celestially revolting.

The man does it because his lack of social skill and his daft-spineless-scaredy behaviour towards the partner.

The partner does it because of her spoiled ignorance and she is this type of royalty who always gets what she wants.

I simply can not stand these people.

unsaid

What the heck is it with you man???!!!

What kind of life are you living? What kind of marriage is that? She.wants.you.give.NOW.no.matter.the.consequences? losing your identity? Your individuality? Hurting our parents heart? What is the fucking matter with you????

There. I said the bloomin’ effin’ word for ya. That’s how fucking angry I am.

Tell me, how this effin’ relationship of yours works. Tell me that you are happy. Tell me that you are not afraid of that bloomin’ witch, the epitome of banality, the worst karma ever happened to our mother, to us. Tell me that your relationship is based on EQUAL PARTNERSHIP.

Do you even know what that words even mean?

Our catastrophe begun when you chose a partner who always gets what she wants, always do to others in her own terms, who is such a bloomin’ bridezilla/wifezilla/momzilla, who has different values, a socialite, shallow, an uneducated person. Hell yeah, I’m a snob. She is not even in par with my education, let alone yours. No, I do not mean academically. I mean what our-mother-educate-us education. The books, the thinking, the being independent things. Most importantly: manners. It still amazed me how one can be so charming to others she considers in her class but cruel to her subordinate. Close but not close thing? How she has the certain I-come-from-old-money-family attitude? What the heck???

I thought that it is not my goddamn business how you manage your family. However, it is SO VERY HARD NOT TO BE FURIOUS WHEN ONE IS IMPOSED TO THE ABUNDANCE OF IGNORANCE, SENSELESSNESS, SUPERFICIALITY of the partner of yours. If that’s how you want your life be, be. But, goddammit, DON’T ASK US TO FOLLOW SUIT!!!! Bloody mackerel!!!!

She wants to follow the new age mumbo jumbo lifestyle? Fine.

Wants to be in effin peace with all those meditations? Go ahead (know what, that organisation she loves so much? I think it’s a cult. HA!)

Wants to quit work but still keep nanny to takes care of your son? Not my bloomin’ business (what is that with want to quit work and being an entrepreneur? needs a justification to keep the maid and nanny? What is it with being a stay at home mom anyway? Oh yes, can’t be bothered with educating own child. Leave that to his teachers in the posh school. That figures. And the plan to add another child to this world. Fiddle de dee….)

Not have the slightest idea on how to educate and discpline your son? Not okay, but he is your son. He will be your liabilities. So, whatever.

Have us taking care of your undiscplined-unruly son while you guys do whatever? NOT OKAY.

Build a fucking shrine in our parents house? NOT OKAY. ABSOBLOOMINLUTELY NOT COOL.

Being ignorant to what our parents needs? NOT OKAY. NOT EFFIN’ OKAY you shallow moron!

Look, I know that you don’t know how to put yourself in others’ shoes. You are so eccentric and bloody smart that it is forgivable. Let’s just say that it is partly our fault because we are soooo effin’ good with sensing what it is that you want and just do it before you even ask. Easy peasy. And we loved to do it because we have similar interests, similar taste.

The down side of this is that you are not trained to sense others’ needs and wants. You always think of those in your terms. What you think others’ want.

Let me illustrate this in how you chose your present for us. See, giving the right present shows how much you know a person, how sensitive you are to the person’s needs and wants, the person’s activity, interest etc. Your present, pre-marriage, is a bit off, but not that much. Presents from you and your partner: WAY OFF. North pole-south pole off. Your last birthday present to our mom? TOTAL JOKE. That present just shows how much your partner does not know our mother. How tragic: this comes from the partner of a mama’s boy. Nice. Fucking nice.

So, back to the calamity we have to deal with: now, we have to cater to not only your needs but also your partner’s needs and wants. Which often makes us want to scream:

What the fuck???!!!!

Why can’t she leave us be? Why is it that everywhere she goes, she has to have this certain dim-wit standards that she has to have? Is she oprah or something?

Do you realize that that puts OUR MOTHER into uncomfortable situations?

Do you even know how insecure our mother is? The more you push our mother to follow your partner’s wishes (and boy, what MORONIC wishes they are!!!), the more she is worried that she is going to lose you when she failed? AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN BELIEVE IN THOSE!!!

Do you know our mother, like, at all????

Know sumtin’, the only thing that prevent me from telling you all this is our mother.

I know how sad she will be. So I will only do it here.

But as morrissey sings:

Beware

I bear more grudges

Than lonely high court judges.

There.

chat

niece: are you smarter than my mom?
me: who told you that?
niece: mom. she said that you are in the higher class
me: i guess i'm a teeny bit smarter
niece: so you are in college?
me: (explain to her the various degree of tertiary education using various degree of schooling as metaphor)
niece: do i have to know this onti?
me: ......

3rd week

Right now is like the longest ‘me time’ I’ve ever had since I had lil’ matey. I miss her every single day. But get caught up in being a drama queen and moaning and whining about it will not make it easier. And I also believe that this will speed things up which will lead me to finish ASAP and eventually will be reunited with her sooner. So I just get on with it, enjoy the perks, acknowledge the downside and distract self to be more positive.

Everything is different but no less fun except when I’m feeling so blue because I miss everybody so much. Being alone means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and however I want. I can do things I’ve neglected for so long because I managed my time so poorly and felt so guilty doing these activities instead of doing things considered more productive but I didn’t do anyway because it stressed the hell outta me. Then I end up doing nothing and feeling worse.

Annnnnywayyy…..

The perks. Going to the movies for a start. I can go at the spur of the moment. A couple of weeks ago I felt so fed up and could not think straight. I went to the movies website then a couple of minutes later already in the theatre. Nice.

Freedom means catching up on readings. NOT what I have to read, mind you. The reading for pleasure part. I know its early, but I’ve already borrowed some books for the upcoming holiday. And already started and finished some of them. Oh well.

I also noticed that being alone made things a bit complex too. I never bothered to think what I want to eat. I just go with what lil’ matey and chubby matey. Cooking things only I eat means I have to spend double time in the kitchen. Such a hindrance since I don’t enjoy cooking. Well, I live with salads and pasta and ramen and sandwiches now. Simple but sometimes it took me a long time to decide what I want with soooo many choices at the grocery store. It used to be so easy: they don’t like it, don’t even bother to consider it. But now its: hmmm this one is tempting. That one looks also delicious. Oh, which one? Which one???

But the most fun for me would be creating my own adventure.

Yesterday I went roaming around the city. I went to the museum, our old hangout place, and also some new places. Thankfully, this old place didn’t remind me too much of lil’ matey and chubby matey. Maybe because I was always the one who dragged them there and end up the one that enjoyed it the most. Haha. The kids’ activity centre did remind me of her but it didn’t make me sad. I went through it with smile on my face, reminded of how happy she was there. It’s such a nice feeling realizing that I can enjoy it at my own pace, stop as long as I want on exhibits that interest me.

I roamed around the city afterwards. I went to this new place that we’ve been planning to go but got no chance to do it. Found interesting eateries, took notes to visit next time. Walked through new walkway, through a park we knew exist but never had the chance to visit, which then  leads to the place we used to go so often but never wandered beyond. Then I visited the city library, which also on the list of places we’d like to go but didn’t. It was fabulous. I got a book that wasn’t on the school’s library which of course went straight to my holiday reading stack. Too bad I came just an hour to its closing time. Definitely will go there next time I’ll go to the city. Next week end, maybe?

The physical singledom/hood/thing has grown on me. I cant even remember how it felt to be single. But then again, I guess I’ve never been completely alone with so many time on my hands either. I wouldn’t say that it is better or worse than being together with my family. It’s just different. Some part of it is wonderful, other part not so. Sometimes I’m glad I didn’t have to think about others’ need, other times it makes it easier to choose.

One thing for sure though, I’m gonna enjoy whatever comes my way.

irrelevant & random - 7

Errgghhh sudah jam 10. Ayo bikin dong dorong dong dooonggg….

I should go back and forth to the framework (the mish mosh doc file). Adding bits one at a time. Read, leave to think about it, go back.

Have to be patient, eh?

Kalau dipikir-pikir, semua ini sudah didesain olehNya untuk yang terbaik. Misalnya sabtu lalu ikut workshop lalu diingatkan untuk melakukan hal yang: not urgent, but important. Yaitu membuat publikasi. Lalu ethics ditunda dan super1 mau liburan. Tapi kan sebetulnya masih ada super2 yang sungguh semangat mengingatkan untuk buat publikasi. Jadi mungkin masa liburan bisa dipakai untuk berlatih menulis. Tentu saja saya akan liburan juga semasa perpustakaan tutup. Hahaha…. Tapi ya mungkin Dia menyuruh saya untuk buat publikasi. Berlatih menulis.

That, I will.

Lunch: nasi & rogan josh & frozen veg

Dinner: salad + tomat

Sabtu: makan di luar terus aja… ahahahaha….

Minum ah.

last saturday

Particularly nice day, today.

Marking the second weekend of the new adventure. My mateys are back home for good. I’m gonna have to go through the rest of my journey alone.

It sucks big time, of course. But, hey. You gotta do what you gotta do.

First week was hell, added with that time of the month when your hormones go crazy and you became the drama queen of them all. First weekend: BIG BLAH.

This weekend is fine so far. Nice weather. Am actually looking out of my window and see the bluest sky, no speck of cloud in sight.

Lets see what happened.

Had a wonderful-splendid-refreshing holiday. Really really happy and energized to get back on track and catch up on work. I went to the office when I was on holiday, just to say hi. Them bosses talked about and offered…. Um… an opportunity? I don’t really care for it but it sort of how they show their commitment and I don’t see why I have to say no. Well actually, I don’t think I have the guts to anyway. Hahah.

So yeah, I talked about it with chubby matey and incorporate it as an alternative of our plan. Its there, but unless it materialised, we went ahead with our initial plan. Then came the news that its not happening. We were actually relieved, because now we didn’t have to ever think about it and concentrated on our preparations.

Then came one Thursday or Friday. The offer is back on the table. On the busiest time. The crucial time. The WRONG TIME. I don’t have the guts to say no and part of me just wanted to go back home. We had to do our plan b. Made our decision on Friday, got tickets the next Monday, home on Wednesday. Lil’ matey was soooo happy. I was also happy to be home but I was completely heartbroken knowing that soon I will be parted with her.  Nevertheless, I am glad that she is surrounded with love.

So I finished my business there. Leaving lil’ matey was the hardest thing. I knew that it would be difficult time once I’m back. And it was. Every little thing remind me of her. Every corner, every turn. Shattered to bits when the guy who bought our sofa came to pick it up. That rinky-dink thing was the centre of her activities. Lil’ matey did everything but sit nicely on it.

I’m so glad that chubby matey was there. Our last days here was as fun as it could be.

But he too had to go. Then everything remind me of him.

Went to the road where we used to live.

Felt like walking all the way up to our old apartment, through the white seashell pathway. I want to open the gate and see lil’ matey on the ragged blue coach, doing anything but sit nicely on it. Watch her face brighten up, her smile when she greeted me. See chubby matey sit on our dining table, watching dvd on his portable player with his blue mug and maybe a bowl of snack.

Dammit. I hate to be so far away from them.

the first days were ok, because I kept myself busy with work and adjusting to new place and routines. But reality started to sink in. Approaching weekend, I was a wreck. Thank god it didn’t last too long.

This week was fine.

Still cries once in a while. But I am getting better at managing my emotion, finding things to get my mind off feeling lonely and missing my mateys and family so much.

So here’s to my new adventure.

Hope to finish it well. Soon.