The Relationship

It all started as friendship. You knew him through other acquaintance, you started to be friends then you got closer and became more than that (though you did not know exactly what). He was the one that took all the initiative, made decisions and demands etc. Then it became more intense. More expectations are to be met from each other. He started to give ideas of being together in the long run, more serious, more commitment. You tried to figure out what you want from this relationship. You wanted to know if this will be your future. If together is one possibility to be considered.

Time went by, he became more famous, some contributed to your hard work and sacrifices. Yet you just look from afar while he got all the glory, pats on his back and all. The relationship was progressing and as was the old days, demands were increasing along with it. He started to promise sweet things and you became more certain that you wanted to be with him.

But the more you knew him, the more uncertain you were about his intentions. Sometimes he seemed like he could not live without you, but the next day he treated you like you were some sort of gadget that he could replaced whenever the latest innovation was on the market. His demand was simple: do some make over. ‘Let me see you prettier, smarter, more presentable’ he said. However, he wanted this on his terms although you knew that your choices will be better in the long run. He wanted you to make extra time to go to the gym while you think that reading will do you better. And even when you finally agreed, he said he could not spend extra money for make over!!! Moreover, he wanted all the upgrading done without leaving any of your previous responsibilities, which means you have to work extra for this.

It was like he was not sure whether he wanted to be with you or not, although after all these years there was nothing wrong with your relationship. He looked like he was ready to commit, but then afraid if something better would come along and he regrets his choice. His gestures, his manners showed that you were expendable. But then again, sometimes he looked like he was sure that together will bring out the best in him and you.

So you decided to run away. You silently build a plan to make your own make over. You quietly grind your teeth and make all the preparation yourself, spend your savings and repeatedly reassure yourself that this was for your own good, that all spent was for investment. You said to yourself, when the time come, dahling…… you can kiss my arse!!!!!

Disclaimer: this is an analogy.

The Cake

The big chief of the hotel you’ve been working for asked you to be a cook. You don’t like cooking, your background is not culinary school, some people even said that you are overqualified to be one. The management said that this was just temporary, that you are projected to be the concierge who directly deals with the customers. Being the cook itself is not a bad thing, it is just that you are trained to be concierge, you envision yourself to be one, and your career path should lead you to become one. On the other hand, the cooking job is the sidejob that you ought to do besides all the things you must prepare to become the concierge. So, in a way, it is a challenge to prove yourself that you can do both.

Anyways, you went to the kitchen and become the sous chef. The chef itself is very nice and understanding. However, those cakes that we make tasted bitter to some of the customers. The good ones like them, but the bad ones doubt that we are making the cakes right. As time went by, you officially became a concierge, the management kept increasing your workload and you started to have to make some priority. Being a sidejob and supposed to be temporary, you push the cooking thing to be your last priority. A minimal effort, just to stay afloat.

With all that, you sometimes want to scream when people complained about the cake. You want to tell them that you don’t like to bake cakes, you are not supposed to bake them, that baking cakes takes a lot of your valuable time to do your tasks as a concierge and develop your ability to be a good one, that it robbed your mind from thinking concierge-ly.

But then again, all you do is politely answer them and explain how you bake the bloody cake and note their criticism in your mind and wish you are banished from the kitchen.

Sodding cakes. sodding management.

In retrospect

This old syndrom of procrastinating has gone beserk. Am supposed to write the report. Successfully forced myself to wake up in the middle of the night to do it for this past week, and all I’ve got is racoon eyes and lack of sleep (plus a couple of paragraph). It is so frustrating.

Anyhoo.

Late as it is, I think last year was a more than okay. I’ve got a promotion with substansial raise in the middle of last year. Although I did not get the scholarship, I finally managed to get really serious about continuing my study and took significant step to start it as opposed to just planning about it.

And tough as it was, I’ve grown a lot this year. If there were several coming of ages in one’s life, last year was definitely one of them.
And of course, living with baby was, and is, superb superb superb.

I don’t want my life to be perfect nor always saccharine sweet. The ups and downs that makes it adventurous and interesting and make me realized that am so blessed.