Harumphing

Afterall these meetings with my supers, I’ve realized that I’m such a selfish writer. I write what I write, assuming readers will understand what its all about. well it works for blogging but certainly not for my work. Sigh.
And changing is very very very very very hard to do.
After those ‘nungging’ days, finishing my last report, my brain just refuse to work. I re-read my last report, try to critisize it and my mind just went blank….. I read those words and …. Euucchhh… arrgghhh… I-just-don’t-wanna.
And I wasted these 3 days sleeping till my head hurts. does my body no longer used to 8-hours sleep? Yikes!
I hate myself now. So I fix myself a cup of tea and a slice of choc biscuit. And hate myself more later when the pimples start to break out in my forehead.

Now, I will do what my friend suggested me to overcome writing block: write anything. So here’s my anything. And the justification of its unstructured form ;p

My second super asked me on our last meeting, what is my motivation to do all this. Of course, I gave 2nd super the ‘politically correct’ one. Then 2nd super said: I don’t think that’s a good motivation. I was like: you wanna know the real reason? THE BRUTALLY REAL REASONS? How about securing the job? How about if I don’t do this RIGHT NOW, I will get sacked? How about I got tired of the people governing the company I just want to get out and back when its (hopefully) better? How about, ANYTHING BUT to be philosophical? How about ANYTHING BUT contributing to body of knowledge? How about that, HUH? Will you understand me more? Understand my hardships? Will you asked me to withdraw from the race now? Geez….
Well, both my supers are great anyway, very patience and dedicated. I know that I have not lived up to their expectations. But still…….
Anyways. Lets move on to another subject.

There is something that annoys the hell out of me regarding grades. So to clear this out of my mind ya. tell you what, the policy regarding grades is after careful considerations that other company is giving the same grade for less quality. So, we were thinking ahead that we are new, hence our quality is unknown. So what do our other clients compare you with other candidates? By their grades of course. Thus the ‘easily achieved’ grades that you mention. So, sorry if you feel less challenged, not proud of your nice grade because you feel like you can achieve them by sleeping. The thing is, go ask your friends WHY they have to work so hard for their grades. BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO DO THEIR JOB ARE TOO BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS. ASK ME, I KNOW. I was one of those who had to figure things out myself while the guide too busy doing projects. and lo and behold, the grades came out of nowhere. And you know what, at least in my watch, there was never one of those ‘grades from heaven’ thing, grades that come out of nowhere. All grades are scrutinized item per item, why and how. So there.
And why compare apples and oranges anyway? SILLY.

Oh one more thing.
I do think that one will never feel they belong anywhere if one not feeling comfortable with oneself, accept one as who one is and not trying to be what other people think of as cool/hip/fabulous/glamorous/artsy/geeky/whatever. So, happy searching.

Harumph.