Dreaded question

There is this question I answer anxiously when asked by permanent residents: what I’m doing here. If my answer is followed by just a short ‘oh’ or ‘do you enjoy your study?’, I’m safe. If followed by those chit-chatty praise of it must be wonderful to continue education to this level, or worse: I must be quite smart that I’m qualified, then I have to answer with my sheepish answer that I’m doing this for the sake of my job, that the system required this and other crap.

It’s just that I felt that I have to make excuses for my achievement for the sake of the self-conscious me that afraid of being labeled arrogant. Because deep down, I know that the culture of my beloved country still regard people with a degree regardless of what that degree contributes to the society. look at all the wedding invitations out there that put the bride & groom’s and their parents degree (fyi, mine’s was degree free ;p). so I sort of felt that if I’m not being modest, they will not like me. Well, it’s not that important whether they really like me or not, at least I don’t want to be considered as that snotty phd student bitch ;p. having numerous experiences in which I intimidated people by simply not talkative and doing nothing, I somehow felt that I will do so if I don’t make any excuse about my (others) so-called accomplishments.

I also don’t want people to think that I get this degree just because I want to. Because I think it is selfish to get a degree this high without contributing something back. Studying is not a productive state except for yourself. And by yourself, I really YOU, YOU, YOU, not your family, your loved ones or anybody. In fact, most of the cases, people around you must sacrifice something and support you. Enduring those swinging moods, supporting you financially, adapting to your work schedule. When one get a research degree, it is for the sake of the researcher (except if one’s research is a part of sponsored project to find cure to dire illnesess or the like). My professor once told me that almost noboby will read other’s doctoral dissertation unless one publish it in the journal. And how many of those articles are truly seminal ones that change the society at large? Hmmm……

and why so pissy about it? Because I realized that I’ve become the person I despised, the typical-arrogant-alumni. My parents always taught me to be humble, hence I always replied those comments modestly. However, spent almost all of my adult life in that old-old-often pompous-institution, I cannot help but absorb the culture and behave in the similar way. Yuck!
Yeah, ridiculously annoying.