crumbling

sometimes I feel like a parent with my so called clients.
A couple of weeks ago, one of my colleague was talking about them in bad ways and I was quite mad at that person. like a parent, even though what dia said was partially true, it was soooo annoying hearing it from others. It was like you got the sole right to trash your ‘child’ and how dare you judge them kinda thing.

Other evidence occured yesterday. They’ve done quite a big fault and I thought that I really really had to be serious because ignoring it will cause a bad example to present and future ‘clients’. So I got them together, told them what’s wrong and explained what are the consequences. Some of them quite mad, some of them accept that they’ve done wrong and willing to make it better. I had to confront ‘kicking and yelling child’, ‘kicking and crying child’, ‘kicking and swearing child’, ‘silently grinding their teeth with anger child’, ‘I-don’t-give-a-poo-child’, ‘I’m-innocent-why-are-you-punishing-me child’ etc. I had hurt their egos and I had to deal with each and everyone of them with special-customised-care.

boy, was I exhausted!!!!
it took a lot of energy to stay focused, be rational, saying what’s necessary and holding your tounge. It took even more energy to stay calm, not letting yourself carried away and talk back to useless ranting. Even came to a point where I almost lose my head and had to do ‘the-don’t-mess-with-me’ glare and tone to one of them. I’ve never been in a room with more than 20 people looking at me with utmost hatred and frustration. I guess I have to congratule myself for trying to be a good parent and a bad cop for these kids. As I walked out of that room, I could still feel their furious glare. Even felt it in the hall.
And then I felt guilty. Then there’s these questions popping into my head. Did I do the right thing? Did I say the right words? Was I pushing them too far? Did I expect too much of them? what they did was unacceptable, but was I too hard on them? was all this necessary? BLAH.
Oh well. I got to do what I got to do.

I also wonder, is it their upbringing? Does their behavior have somehting to do with always getting what they want, when they want? always being the most popular among their friends and families. Always got away with it. is it true that people always adore them because they are rich and beautiful and that makes them rarely use their head? Did it pained their ego so much because I caught them red handed? Because I gave the notion of bigger authority than them? because I gave the notion that they can’t wiggle it? because I can but don’t want to give what they want? Why? Why?
What can I do to make these better?

What I hate about being in a confrontation was that my head kept remembering it. what I said, what I supposed to say to make my point better and how I felt back then. So hours (sometimes even days) after it happened, my head still kept reliving it. and that made me restless and depressed.
This past week was quite hard and I don’t get enough rest. Moreover, I had to finish some report. Then yesterday. Last night I literally fell into pieces.
Thank god I have chubbs to cuddle me.